Facing fear isn’t at the top of most folks’ to-do list. As a matter of fact, most people go out of their way to avoid anything that gives them that anxious, queasy feeling. Our primordial brain congratulates us on once again avoiding the saber tooth tiger around the corner.
But here’s the rub. There are no tigers in our average day to day life. Because our brains give us the same “danger” feeling for real threats and perceived threats, we’ve stopped seeing the truth. That tiger we perceive is the pretty girl that you’d love to strike up a conversation with. It’s going to your boss to ask for a raise or pitch your ideas. It’s meeting with a financial planner and setting some stretch goals for retirement.
Fear created that ache in your belly so you found a way to talk yourself out of doing these things. Hey, you’re just an average man, leading an average life. Most people don’t have a mentor, friend or coach pushing and supporting them. So no one is standing over your prodding you to leave the safety of average. Your primordial brain says stay put.
What happens when you buy in to fear?
Here’s the part of the story where I wanted to insert a profound quote, but I couldn’t find one that embodied the consequence I was thinking of…the feeling that comes from self-betrayal. When you listen to and give in to fear, I can guarantee the feeling of disappointment, anxiety, shame, or self-doubt will kick in. When you do this on a continual basis, you get that general uneasy feeling that comes when you’re not happy – even though you “should” be according to societal standards. (i.e. You have a great job, a family, a nice house…) Yet, you know there is something missing in your life. You are living a “safe” existence, but chances are you are bored and unfulfilled. Self-betrayal makes us uncomfortable – but there is value is this discomfort!
What triggers this feeling?
In a nut shell, self-betrayal is when you make a choice that is not in line with your core values. Let’s look at some examples.
- You say you want to retire early, but your spending is out of control.
- You swear this is THE year to get in shape, but you only snack on junk food. And exercise…what exercise? You are an A+ excuse maker.
- You talk a big game at work, but you won’t take on any special projects that let’s your boss see you shine or grow your skills. Worse, maybe you’re faking engagement.
- You talk with your friends about how badly you want to see Paris. But, you don’t have a passport and you haven’t put a single dollar towards saving for your trip.
- You hate your job, your co-workers AND your boss. And you’ve done nothing to change your situation. Sadly, the stress from work follows you home and impacts your time and relationships with friends and family.
- You took another round of passive-aggressive abuse from your co-worker today.
No one aims to be a crummy mom, a checked out employee, or be used as a door mat. You don’t intend to spend hundreds of dollars, or even thousands, on “stuff.” But if you really value friendship, financial security, or respect, you betray yourself every time you repeat these behaviors.
Here’s what you need to know
Values are your guide posts for decision making. If you value family over financial freedom, you may choose to forgo a promotion if it means more time away from family. Not an easy choice, but clear values make that choice possible. On the flip side, when someone steps on your values it will trigger a hot button. For example, if your friend always runs late, you may feel disrespected. Others may shrug this off, but it really gets under your skin, and damages your relationship.
If…
- you have that underlying sense of anxiety,
- you feel stress more often than significance,
- you stopped asking yourself long ago what happiness and success mean to you…
Then chances are you know this feeling of self-betrayal. Younger folks think they know what success is, and start down a path without looking back. Then you reach 40-something and think, “Wow, this is it? This is as good as it gets?” Perhaps you feel guilty too, because you feel you should be happy. After all, you have a roof over your head and your kids are healthy.
The good news
A lot of my clients end up at my door because they feel confused, tired and stuck. And many truly believe it’s too late to make changes. But it’s NEVER TOO LATE! Hear that? No more excuses. With very small steps you can start to build a profoundly more fulfilling life. (Get a free tool to guide you through this exercise – click here!)
- Step one is as simple as listening to and pinpointing that discomfort.
- Step two is deciphering what will make you happy.
- Step three is taking one small step in that direction.
This means facing your fears head on. But facing a mole hill instead of a mountain makes progress possible. Over time, these small steps compound into something significant and meaningful. This breeds confidence and the desire to take slightly bigger steps.
Can you see how facing fear doesn’t always mean doing something scary, but actually means you’re just moving towards your aspirations? Our aspirations only seem scary. It’s actually the thought of not achieving them that causes the fear. This is a solid case where our brain has confused itself and needs to be told there are no tigers around the corner. If anything, the tiger is behind you and his name is regret. So, get your running shoes on! Run towards your goal and away from the fear (and excuses) of not trying.
Your goals, aspirations and dreams exist to help you fulfill your values. Remind yourself that fear comes not from the goal itself, but the fear of not hitting it. So, lose the self-betrayal and try loyalty! Be loyal to yourself and your values to feel a shift in happiness, success and fulfillment!
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